I hurt my back. Jumping over a neighbors fence. If only…*

If only the world were raccoon friendly–I would rule it. I would immediately own thu world, if everyone loved me, and allowed me to dissect their back yards while they sleep.

I mean-really–as a raccoon, I am least likely to give you rabies (TRUST me.)

I am least likely to give you several other diseases, like coon-dog mouth. (Sure–you might lose a month or so to my disease, but rest ashured–coons like me don’t give it to you intentionally–TRUST me! If we leave shit on your door, ort bite you, it’s yer fault-because ewe lived their!)

Well, anyways, if the world were more raccoon friendly, you would be safer–as long as you go to bed as told, at 8-9 p.m., and don’t ask questions after wards (or, at least, pretend you were dreaming as we maraud through your yards, your garages, your houses, storgae sheds, and so forth–and, especially, your internets at night.-And especially DO not keep records of our comings and goings! AND if by chance you awake from your slumebers–do NOT make a record of our internet connection in your garage and thereabouts– The night is ours, sayeth the International Coon Exigency treaty(ICE t)-and you are BAA=aaa_AAAd if you bust us doing coon things, late at night.


Spokescoon for the Americin Natshinul Coon Federales, (.) org.

p.s. Becuz if you ARE awake, bad things happen to little coons! AND It’s YOUR FAULT!!!!!!


Wasn’t.me.coon. org.


THIS wuz yur fault! I was lookin at you as this happind. You were there, more or less, and so, it is yer fault it hapind! And we, the internashinul coon federation of victimized coons willl git you in all of our glorie for it! It is YER FAULT coons dies all over the wirld–what did u do to stop this coon death?? wut did you do to prevent the outbrek of coon death awareness? BUT YOU WILL PAIY for that coons death, again, and again, and again! Never mind how we know YOO are responsibil! Never mind how we aksessed your coon cameras! Never mind wut dramatic and creative law license authorizid it! But we own your ass, ass! JUST SAY KNOW TO COON DEATH, NOW! Or, we will git you gud! AND we wil git it on the internets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1And yoiu will be sowrrrry!

* if only ICE didn’t exist; or if access to places I don’t belong were easier–and if fences, and other well marked crime deterrents didn’t distract me so!  If only, ladders were all made in the USA, and heights were all standard–I could guess my way into and out of places where I wasn’t invited!!

And then–if those damned places didn’t have cameras watching me take a boo boo! Wut a world it would be! Paradise=: me, crawling like smelly, disease riddden vermin into, and out of peoples lives,sureptitiously,  and then scurrying off to my own home, safe, and sound and secure–protected from the exact people and places that I use as a toilet every night! Wouldn’t that be a nice world for us coons???? DAMN the homeowners! Damn the Trappers! Damn those who think we don’t belong in their back yards, digging up their bulbs; killing off their fish’s, threatening them with our claws and hisses! and shitting on their doorsteps!

I say, a coons rights begin and end at surreptitiousness, and even then, for the safety of humanity–for the CHILDREN-us coons, cute as we are, belong in bed with your kids!

Wew’re so snuggly–and Cuuuu-uuuu-te! And, harmless, OF COURSE! And kids just LOVE us! Especially on Facebutt, where we have a massive outreach to kids like Amanda Todd–why, all kids are underneath the nexus of our loving coon fingertips, and safety–for safeties sake!

In fact, a lesser known coon fact is this: raccoons, once involved in the household structure of, well any house at all! Are less mischievious, and less “coonish” than official narratives would have you believe. In fact there are many stories where coons proved to be the defining factor between mothers abducting children, killing children, beating children, raping children, selling children, and a whole bunch of other things–well, I can’t cite that because the coonlibrary is closing right now–but TRUST ME.

Coons, once brought in to a household, become great family pets! Smarter than dogs, and way more productive! I know, because I read it on the internet.

And, because when I drive my big, club cab coon mobile into a parking lot to warn humans about narratives that contrasts my Mamasota perspective?  Coon trained mamas just run for the hills, knowing the gud guys have showed up, and the bad guys are buying communication devices that connect to the outside world!

How do they know this? It’s because I have a virgin Mary tattoo on my forehead–after all-none of us who are sane  believe the Virgin Mary narrative, right? And if not that, I am well equipped to spot domestic violence survivors (except for those thousands upon thouands of young male coons who bite the dust every year because of my lack of vigilance in THEIR direction)

But we all know coons have the eternal black mask of robbers and thieves emblazoned on our faces–like shotgun pellets, but less graphic, we embody the narrative of thieves with our faces, showing up, sometimes on camera, where wee don’t belong! It’s the psychopathic mask, maybe: Or just, dark eye shadow and subterfuge…

America needs more coon-forcement than ever before! Because human fathers are danjiris!


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